


Before I Go

by restless (cabinfever)



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cutting, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-13
Updated: 2013-02-13
Packaged: 2017-11-29 03:11:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/682053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cabinfever/pseuds/restless
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Liam found Zayn on the floor that night, there was a note in his hand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Before I Go

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: This entire work is a suicide note. It may be triggering for some people, as it uses derogatory terms for homosexual people, as well as having the actual suicide itself.

Dear Liam,

I really don’t know how to say this to you. I don’t even know how [to begin](http://ziambromancing.tumblr.com/post/36756133771/before-i-go). This is just so surreal, like an out-of-body experience, I guess. And I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am for what I’m about to put you through.

First of all, Liam, you should know that you are perfect. Ethereal. Godlike. Flawless. Gorgeous. I could go on forever just praising everything about you. But that’s not the point. You’ve known forever just how much I love you. I could profess my love for you every millisecond of every day in every way possible and that wouldn’t even begin to describe how much I love you. That’s only a fraction of a fraction of what I feel for you, you wonderful man.

Your voice raised me up in those days when I felt like I was dying. You were the first one that held me when I cried when my granddad died. Your hand on my shoulder kept me grounded at the concerts, never letting me get swept up in the crush of fans or the wave of fame. You kept me human all these years, Liam, and I’ll always thank you for that. You were my lifeline when times were at their shittiest, especially recently.

So by no means should you ever assume that you caused this at all. Not at all, love. It was never you that gave me the pain. You did nothing but take it away, fend it off, keep it away for just another day. And that’s why I love you.

I remember when you told me you loved me that day. You remember, when it was just us in my flat, after you and Danielle broke up. I asked you why; you told me it was because you’d realized your homosexuality. And then you looked up at me, those wonderful great big brown eyes of yours filled with bright tears that made your eyes look like stars. And you told me that you loved me.

I was [complete](http://ziambromancing.tumblr.com/post/36756133771/before-i-go) that day.

But I can’t take it anymore, Li. I can’t take this constant hate from critics, or even our fans! The day that we came out as a couple…that was when it all came together and also when it all fell apart. There was the pride that came from you claiming me and I you, but then we went on Twitter and found out that we were trending. But not all of the comments were those of [congratulations](http://ziambromancing.tumblr.com/post/36756133771/before-i-go). There was hate; people calling us faggots and crimes against God and humanity. And then whenever we went out in public there were these boos and things thrown at us, and I would’ve broken down each time. But you, Liam, you just squeezed my hand, threw your arm around my shoulders like you could act as a shield, and you kept us walking. You were my protector.

And to think I thought I was the strong one.

Dammit, and I’m crying now. I guess that explains why the paper’s all blotchy and you can probably barely read my handwriting.

So, Liam, I have to leave you. I know you’ve always been the one to bandage the cuts on my wrists whenever you found me curled up, bleeding, on the bathroom floor. You’ve always been the one to cover the holes slowly opening up in my mind. And you’ve been the one staving off the voices screaming at me that all I am is wrong.

But this time, it’s not enough. The holes have gotten too big. And the voices are slowly getting louder, Liam. This is just something that you can’t stop, you wonderful human, you. I love that you call me donut. I love that you kiss my cheek, my neck, my hands; my forehead. I love your hand on my waist. I love everything that you are.

And for this I am so sorry.

I know you’re going to have to go through the pain of prying this folded-up note from my limp, cold hand. I know that you won’t have been able to stop the bleeding, Liam. And for all I know, I might be conscious when you find me. But you can’t stop the darkness forever, Liam. Your bravery can’t keep it all away.

I love you, Liam. I love my family, and everyone we’ve met in this crazy life of ours. I love all the lads, too.

For Nialler: Tell him that song he’s been tossing around in his spare time is brilliant and that he should have it recorded.

For Lou: Tell him that he should man up already and propose to El. She’s a wonderful girl, and he’s had that bloody ring for ages.

For Haz: Tell him that he should take the break he’s been itching to have for years. Tell him to enjoy the world; travel for a few months and see the world he’s only seen from planes and tour buses.

And I’m sure that you’ve taken quite a bit from this letter from me, Liam. But also know that you should pursue that solo career if you guys end up breaking up. And I’m sure that the hospital will give you the personal items that were on my body when they take me in. They’ll give you a small black box with two gold rings inside. And I want you to make damn sure they put one of them on me when they put me in the ground. Because the other one is for you.

Always for you, love.

I’m so sorry. But I just couldn’t take all the hate anymore. I couldn’t take the stares and glares and insults and everything that the world threw at us.

But know that I will always love you.

I’ll see you in the next life, Liam.

Forever yours,

Your Zayn


End file.
